so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
