I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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