Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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