She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
