How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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