he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My dad is sitting where you rode me
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
