So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
