some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
