I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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