she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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