She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
