he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Panties = found
Randomize
