i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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