I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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