I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
