i can't believe i had my finger in that
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
