Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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