I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
