I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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