What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
