My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
