if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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