he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Come share oat with me in your robe
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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