I think my fart just growled at me.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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