My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
