i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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