put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
