nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize