I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
