i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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