I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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