I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
4 words: hood of his car
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Im part way to drunk.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
