is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
