plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.