Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
