He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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