so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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