So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
