After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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