I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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