I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
