a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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