The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
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She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
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Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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