Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
