She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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