Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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