I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
