Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
