just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
