the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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