I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
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