i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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