She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
