Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
