yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
