The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
