my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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