You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
