when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
