Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
