I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
