Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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